Super Skinny Me, The Race to Size 00.

Well, I’ve just finished watching this documentary, and it really does bring home the torture we put ourselves through to achieve what we think is the perfect figure. It also brought home a few truths to myself, that I actually show some of the symptoms of someone with an eating disorder. Okay, so I’m not anorexic, and I’m not bulimic, but I binge, I play with my food, I think about food constantly and how evil it is, and I actually don’t enjoy eating. Part of me wonders if I eat ice cream and chocolate not because it tastes nice (because it doesn’t really taste of anything apart from sweet), but to punish myself as if I am not worthy of ever being a size 14, size 12 or a size 10… let alone anything so far fetched as a size 0. As I sat watching this documentary about 2 women living on nothing but watercress soup, juices and raw foods for 5 weeks there I was tucking into a tub of Ben and Jerrys! What the hell is wrong with me!?

So I guess I need to make a decision. I know that if I eat everything I choose to without dieting in some form, I will just balloon even bigger and I definately don’t want that so it looks as though the only options left are either cutting out crap altogether and never ever letting it pass my lips… or dieting for the rest of my life. Fun choices really! You see I know that the world would be a really boring place if everyone was the same, but why can some people eat what seems like the whole contents of their fridge and never gain weight, not a single pound? Yet all I need to do is look in the window of a bakery, and there we go another 2 inches has magically fixed itself to my waist. Not that I have a waist!

I don’t mean to be down, and I definately don’t want to bring any of you down but it really does bring home the life long battles that people like I have with our weight. Ever since I was 6 years old I have been big… and ever since I was 13 and becoming more curious about boys I have been on a diet, many diets. Do I really want the rest of my life panned out by choices like eating a piece of toast?

On a plus side, I have been rather motivated by the London Marathon this year… It would be something very good to do, a big achievement and although in my current form I couldn’t run down the road it is something I am seriously considering training for in a few years.

Oh and to top everything off, I feel really, really sick!

I’m back.

Well boys and girls, it’s been a long six months and i’ve been having a few problems ever since my last post here in October 2006. I came down with a Kidney infection which then spiralled into lots of nasty side effects from the strong antibiotics I was put on and I’m still not 100%. I don’t really want to go into the female details in case I have any male readers, but safe to say it’s been a LONG six months… and in that time, i’ve pretty much eaten whatever I’ve fancied.. good days, bad days and I’ve been to the gym once. Anyway, I weighed 2 weeks ago and I knew I had gained. My stomach feels very stuck out, and my legs are starting to rub together a little at my thighs. I knew it wouldn’t be good. Anyway I weighed and I was 15 stone 7. Gulp. That is only a few lbs lighter than when I first started weight watchers. After a few hours of moping about and not eating a single thing, I thought right I can do it, I have done it before so there is nothing stopping me…

Which brings me back to last Friday.. the next dreaded weigh in. Thankfully my first weeks efforts paid off and I was 15 stone 2. Still too big (far too big) for my liking but going in the right direction at least! This week is proving a lot more difficult thanks to some mini tubs of haagan daz sitting in the freezer – although I’ve only had half of 1 tiny tub and left all the others for the boyfriend. I have to remind myself there is a really good documentary on channel 4 on Sunday about two journalists who embark on the very scary journey to get to size 00 – and nearly kill themselves in the process. I think it will be really interesting to see exactly what little food they consume and how ill they look when they have finished.

I’m hoping to get back to the gym really soon and start on that every day fitness regime that worked wonders last time! I’ll keep you posted!

Do you ever get days….

If you’re anything like me, you’ll get days where you really hate yourself. At least if that’s normal you will. I’m not quite sure if I’m supposed to feel like this but I am feeling like it more regularly. I feel very huge, am sitting at 13 stone 7 but for some reason I feel like i’m much bigger. My tummy is all puffed up, especially at the top and i’m noticing my clothes are feeling tighter.

This is the cycle with me. I lose half a stone, feel fantastic then eat crap, gain it again and feel bigger than I did before. This weekend it’s been chocolate digestives and home made chocolate muffins (made by a very good friend who is a chef!). I know that it’s just one day and I’ll sort everything out but at the moment it feels like I’m such a failure, and not just with food. My sister told me something one day that really stuck with me, and that’s people who associate with fat people look unsuccessful. I’m sure she didn’t mean it the way it came out maybe, but it’s really stuck with me since. I certainly don’t feel very successful with anything that I do right now.

An online friend of mine is starting a weight training fitness regime, so I thought I would challenge him to a little competition to see who can look the best after so many weeks or something like it. Im not sure if it will spur me on or not but something needs to! Every thin person I know thinks it is so easy to just lose weight at a drop of a hat, but it’s never that easy… and it’s certainly not as easy as just not putting the bad stuff in your mouth. Anyone who has dieted will understand this.

The phonecall.

I got a phone call the other day from my boyfriend… he’d had some sort of golfing accident and thought he had broken his ankle – it turns out he’d actually torn some ligaments but he’s unable to walk for a little while. So this weekend i’m spending my days looking after him – making him drinks, food and making sure he’s comfortable when he’s sitting on the sofa with his leg up on cushions.

I made the most amazing evening meal this evening. You all might like to give it a try actually – I highly recommend it and I’m not the greatest cook! I started off with skinless chicken breasts in a pan with a tiny drizzle of olive oil. A lot of people say you shouldn’t cook with oil, and I don’t normally if I use my health grill but olive oil is actually good for you! I then crushed two cloves of garlic and thinly sliced up parts of some red, yellow and green pepper. I also chopped up a red onion (they are better for you – more antioxidants!). Once the chicken was cooked throughout and very brown on the outside I put in the peppers, onion and garlic and stirred that around for a little bit. Once they were slightly soft, I added in some chopped up fresh mango and a handful or more of beansprouts.

After a minute or so, I added in this sauce I found called “Hoi Sin with Spring Onion”. It’s very low in points weight watchers wise and comes in a small jar – with no additives as far as I could see. I warmed that through the rest of my ingrediants whilst also cooking some noodles in boiling water.

To serve, I put a little bit of soy sauce on the noodles after draining them, made a nest type shape on each plate, topped with my chicken mixture and then finally sprinkled a tiny amount of seaweed on each plate. Absolutely delicious!

Been to the doctors.

Last friday I booked myself into the doctors simply to get some more contraceptive pills. I’d taken a 2 month break from them but was finding I was an evil, emotional wreck off them so the time had come to get back on them again. The weird thing is I noticed I wasn’t as hungry when I was off the pill which is kind of annoying!

Anyway, for some reason the doctor asked me how my palpitations were doing – rather odd considering they have come back with avengance. I told him they’d come back more frequently and he said to keep an eye on it and that I need to find the trigger. Supposedly there is nothing wrong with my heart – I have had a 24 hour ECG tape a few years back and numerous ECGs when I’ve gotten myself to the stage of complete panic and they do it to shut me up!

I’m convinced that one trigger is lack of sleep, and another is yep you’ve guessed it too much sugar! Caffine can also play havoc with my system. The doctor also told me I was probably overdoing it at the gym and to cut down on my days a little. Last week I went 3 times – twice doing an hour of cardio and once doing my strength weight training. This week i’ve only been once eek but I have been feeling really run down with the time of the month (Sorry guys!) I’m going again tomorrow though to make it twice.

Anyway on a different note, did any of you see the documentary on channel 4 last night about overweight children? I think it was called “Ian Wright’s Unfit Kids” where footballer Ian Wright has six months to get obese and overweight children fitter. It’s opening statement “Britain has the fattest, unhealthiest and laziest children in Europe, with an estimated one million to be classified obese by 2010. If nothing is done, experts predict this generation of coach potato kids will die before their parents.”

I only managed to catch part of it, but I was very upset by it. The part I saw was after each child had done health tests, and Ian was telling their parents the results. One parent who was very big herself started crying and ran into the kitchen with her little boy following… she then proceeded to swear at him, saying “Do you want to fucking die, if you do i’ll throw you under a car!”. I thought that was heartless. This woman obviously had an eating problem herself and to swear and say something like that to a 12 year old kid was just awful. I was sat there in tears for the poor little guy. There was also a young girl who at 18 stone didn’t like shopping for clothes. I felt for her and remembered what it was like for me buying stretchy M&S trousers because they were the only ones I could find to fit. That and I could get a smaller pair than I needed to make me feel better.

The past month has flown by!.

Well guys and girls, fellow bloggers and readers I have been away for quite a while. I went to my parents where I didn’t do that well on the eating front. We ate a lot of salads and healthy versions of BBQ’s but also a bit too much ice cream and naughty things. The chocolate busters book needs to be read again I think! I came home thinking I’d have gained a stone whereas I actually got down to 13 stone 1 lbs ! How fantastic was that! I have a feeling i’m a little heavier at the moment because i’m due on my period, but I started to go back to the gym last monday so hopefully it will start falling off again.

I have actually noticed my tastebuds changing quite a bit. A friend of ours cooked us a lovely meal of noodles with chicken in hoi sin sauce with mixed peppers and onions topped with a sprinkling of seaweed. This was absolutely amazing and i’m definately going to try cooking it myself very soon! The past few times we have ordered takeaway’s both my boyfriend and I have found the taste bland, just fatty which is no good at all. Neither of us have enjoyed them and are much preferring home cooked tasty and healthy food. I guess this is a really good thing!

Anyway I am back home now, raring to go and have my next target is christmas. I’d like to ideally be a dress size smaller or two by then. Wish me luck

This book makes so much sense!.

I have finished my “Chocolate Busters” book from start to finish in less than 24 hours. I must admit I haven’t done that much work during this time but each chapter spurred me on to read the next. The book explained in great detail that chocolate is a drug and the ways in which the manufacturers manipulate our minds into buying more and more. It also went into the child slave labour that is being used in the cocoa bean fields – and the way in which the manufacturers make out that they are caring for our children by providing them with schemes to get sporting equipment for their schools (by eating a huge amount of their chocolate!).

It seems that from reading this my attitude has slightly changed towards the whole industry. I always knew sugar was addictive and is known as the cocaine of the food industry but to read about the poor conditions children are put through to make some of the gooey stuff really got to me.

I know that in the clothes industry slave labour is also used. I don’t shop at gap for this principle alone – I’m pretty sure some of the places I have shopped at use cheap labour and for this I am really down about but at least I can stop filling the pockets of the greedy chocolate manufacturers by not eating it. The principle is easy – I can have chocolate if I want it… but do I really want it after reading all of the facts in this book? No. My boyfriend even brought home a bar of Dairy Milk last night but I thought “Poor guy – they’ve got him too!”. I didn’t for once want any.

I’m sure I will get a lot of abuse from family and friends about this but I’m not going to actively tell them. If I get offered, I will most likely decline. After all, there are nicer things to eat in life than sugary crap. I think changing your tastebuds really help to – who would have thought I would drink a juice with spinach in it!

Talking of spinach, I am missing my juicing plan! I am actually craving the juices I was trying out on the plan. I might be able to try it again because plans for this weekend have completely changed. Tomorrow is the day of the wedding – which we are no longer able to go to. Bf is pretty poorly with his stomach (Maybe its a side effect of the sugar who knows!) but I hope he feels better soon. We’ve had to postpone the visit to my parents too which I was also looking forward to. My mum is on slimming world, I wanted to compare notes and recipes with her hehe.

Then again maybe I should wait until I am at my mums and give her some to try too

*edit* ooh by the way, I know I’m not supposed to count days of no sugar / chocolate / sweets – but I’ve just finished day 3! Fantastic

Girly Week.

As far as the sugar addict days go, last week was probably one of my worst weeks. Every day I shared something naughty with my best friend ranging from a starbucks muffin, sumptuous carrot cake to chocolate fudge cake. I know VERY VERY bad! Thankfully I’ve only gained 1 or 2lbs because we did a LOT of dancing and shopping.

My chocolate busters book arrived today so I’ve started reading it. It’s very insightful. So far it has of course explained why sugar is evil along with other ingrediants they put into bars but also a look at the way in which manufacturers advertise and manipulate us. I’ll expand more as I get into it.

I went to the hairdressers today and also got a manicure whilst I was there. I’m trying not to bite my nails as well as give up sugar… perhaps not good to be doing them at the same time but hey, I’m a glutton for punishment.

Reflections.

I don’t feel as good about this today as I did yesterday. I hate failing things lol and you can safely say I failed this 7 day thing pretty badly and by eating probably the worst thing I could get my hands on. Grr. I thought I was mentally prepared for this.

I need to stop dwelling though and concentrate on the now. I still have stacks of veggies and fruits left in the fridge to continue juicing… and my best friend comes to visit for a week in 5 days. I’m going to make her try some too. I’m really looking forward to having a girlie week shopping, gossiping and spending as much quality time together as possible.

Oooh I almost forgot. I have a wedding outfit! It’s a pink dress – YES PINK!! It has flowers all over it, and its strapless ooh eerrr. I need to buy some shoes, a handbang and possibly some jewellery to go with it… but i’m saving that for next weeks shopping spree.

I failed!.

I hate to admit this.. but I’ve failed the 7 day challenge. I made it to near on 4 days, but forgot to have a juice before I went out shopping and nearly fainted on the way home. The boyfriend forced 2 hob nob biscuits down my throat lol. Well ok perhaps they weren’t forced.

I’m not looking on this as a complete loss though. I am going to continue juicing daily – getting my liquid gold in there. Just not for 7 days straight with no solids. Maybe i’ll try it again sometime.