13 stone 4lbs.
The past weekend has been a rather odd one. I’ve had a bit of a dodgy stomach following some home made spaghetti bolognaise which has meant I haven’t been able to eat very well. As a result, I’ve lost weight and am now 13 stone 4 lbs. Not long before I get into the twelves! I’d rather feel better though and lose it slower because I miss food! lol
I went shopping in the week to try on outfits for the wedding and it was a bit of a disaster. I haven’t found anything that I think is flattering, but I did manage to find myself a gorgeous black dress and two shirts which look fab. Wow for once I gave myself a compliment lol.
This week I am going to pamper myself a bit. I’m going to start a daily body moisturing routine to try and prevent flabby skin, pedicures, manicures.. the lot. I need spoiling! 
Highs and Lows!.
I really don’t know whats happening to me at the moment… I have been going from excited to angry to crying in the space of half an hour all day! This morning we were waken by Curry’s delivery drivers with our new TV.. God its a beast. It sits just nicely in our living room and I can’t wait until they have our hdmi dvd player in stock.
I went straight to the gym after a quick piece of wholemeal toast and glass of pure orange juice. I’ve changed my routine around now so that I do 3 days straight cardio and 2 days weight training. I found it a big struggle today after having those few days off. I did my 40 minutes then ran out of there as fast as I could lol.
All day I have been working and tidying up our place. We seem to gather so much junk its unbelievable. Today I tackled the kitchen / living room. Its a big 28 foot long room I had a bit of a bad night last night junk food wise – I hit the maltesers at our mates house. I’m a bugger for them and I know I shouldn’t have had any at all, but at the time I thought a few wouldn’t hurt. I’m just ordering a new book – “Chocolate Busters” – how to kick the habit which explains more about the sugar versus cocaine thing. I hope it will hit a nerve and stop me for good. Supposedly a lot of people have been 8 months clean without even a bite of chocolate so maybe there is hope for me.
I’ve calmed down a bit!.
I have found the perfect solution. According to amazon, the 2nd Trinny and Susannah “What not to wear” book there is a section on summer weddings. As you can imagine, it’s been ordered and I am waiting patiently for it to arrive before embarking on an outfit search. I figured I would try on different styles of dress / outfit before my friend comes up and then i’ll know exactly what to look for.
The past few days have been a bit up/down. I have recently come off the contraceptive pill and as a result I have had terrible mood swings. One minute I can be really excited and happy about something and within an hour, crying my eyes out over trivial things. Last night was a prime example. I’d had a fantastic time at a mates house playing table tennis on his 360 and watching the lads play Battlefield 2. We had some really funny banter on the go and all in all it was a good night. As soon as I got home, I flipped. I burst into tears, had a raging argument with John and all hell was let loose. Thank f*** I’m going back onto the pill in a few months time!
Today has been rather strange too. We’ve spent most of the day sorting through our mountain of junk before popping out for a late lunch. Whilst walking past a garage I noticed on the front of one of the magazines there was a photo of Charlotte Church and a headline about her being fat. Can I just say, Charlotte is NOT fat! I think she has a fantastic figure and I for sure would love to be her size Ok so she isn’t one of those size 4 salad fanatics, but that doesn’t make her fat. It makes her healthy. I saw a comparison of her against Victoria Beckham who is so tiny now, it would make a size 10 look big!
Oh F*** a Wedding!.
I knew I had an evening party to attend in August, but imagine my shock when we receieved an actual wedding invite this morning. The first thing that entered my head was F***! What am I going to wear!? I haven’t been to that many weddings… In fact I think I have been to two, and one of those I was the bridesmaid. The only wedding I have ever attended as a guest was when I was about twelve years old and I remember the exact outfit I was bought to wear too. Bless my mum, it was very expensive but absolutely hideous. It was a navy “over the knee” pleated skirt with elasticated waist, a navy camisole and a peach (yes peach!!) cardigan, handbag and shoes. I will have to see if mum still has pictures of me in it and frighten you all off.
So now, over ten years later, all grown up – What on earth do people wear to weddings? Fat people!?! I know the basics… Don’t wear white as that’s for the bride. Don’t wear black as it is associated with mourning. Mmm I’m buggered then! Most of my wardrobe is black. If anyone has any tips, please, PLEASE leave them in my comments!
Thankfully, I have my best friend coming to visit at the end of July, and I’m sure she has been to plenty of weddings… she’s completely honest with me when i’m trying on clothes. I’ll drag her along with me and we’ll find something perfect (I hope!!!) I guess it is something to give me even more motivation to get to my goal. I don’t really know what my goal is yet apart from being happy with my shape, size and look.
After the gym this morning, I made myself a fab smoothie for lunch from strawberries, half a mango and some low fat natural yoghurt and it was nice! I strained it through a metal sieve to get rid of the strawberry pips though – I can’t stand “bitty” drinks. I think we’re having cous cous again for dinner tonight as we have to use it up and as far as sugar addiction for today goes, I’ve been good… very good infact. I’ve found these fantastic weight watchers carrot cakes that are 1 point each (I’m on 22 points a day) and they are the perfect solution for a sweet craving. Plus I’m not really the type of person to eat a whole box, so no worries about that.
I’ve also set out a new method of treating myself. Instead of associating food with a treat, I am going to use my treats for clothes, shoes, games.. anything apart from food. It will work out a little more expensive – well ok a lot more! Yesterday we bought an XBox360. But I think it will help Fingers crossed
Sugar… the food addicts cocaine.
This may sound a little drastic, but according to a few magazines, books and websites I have found that sugar is the food addicts equivilent to cocaine! I can see the resemblance, white powder substances and I definately get a high from eating sugar… followed closely by a low!
But what scientific facts do we have that proves this? According to a study in 2003, sugar provides the same symptoms as a drug user – a desire for more, withdrawal symptoms and relapsing when clean. I’m not saying sugar is as dangerous as hard drugs, but the effects that it does have on our body can be very harmful.
“Recent behavioral tests in rats further back the idea of an overlap between sweets and drugs. Drug addiction often includes three steps. A person will increase his intake of the drug, experience withdrawal symptoms when access to the drug is cut off and then face an urge to relapse back into drug use. Rats on sugar have similar experiences. Researchers withheld food for 12 hours and then gave rats food plus sugar water. This created a cycle of binging where the animals increased their daily sugar intake until it doubled. When researchers either stopped the diet or administered an opioid blocker the rats showed signs common to drug withdrawal, such as teeth-chattering and the shakes. Early findings also indicate signs of relapse. Rats weaned off sugar repeatedly pressed a lever that previously dispensed the sweet solution.” (Leah Ariniello, Brain Briefings, October 2003)
Before you start to think i’m some sort of anti-sugar person, i’m not. I eat it just like the rest of you. I’m very interested in reading up on various diets, eating plans, exercise regimes. I guess you could say i’m a little obsessed but there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy And there are plenty of reasons why sugar is evil. Pure evil. Diabeties, headaches and obesity are just a few of the side effects of gorging on the sweet stuff. I know first hand, i’m considered “clinically” obese.
Psycologically, I have always been told being fat is wrong. My sister is completely anti fat. I think she thinks were are hideous creatures who are too damn lazy to get off our asses and do something about it. If only it were that easy. My sister is a size 8. She has been supportive in my weight loss attempts but also a little insensitive at times. She once bought me diet pills for a christmas present, which in hindsight I guess she was only trying to help but I felt so low and as if I wasn’t losing weight fast enough for her. Sometimes I think I repulse her and I wish it wasn’t that way. On the other hand she once told me about a fantastic insult to get back at my bullies. Admittedly, it’s probably not the best way to deal with a bully but at the time and even now I think it’s a great phrase for all fat people to remember…
…Yes I’m fat, but I can diet… you can’t do anything about your face!
That was fun!.
Yesterday went a lot more smoothly than I first thought. My initial terror over going out for lunch didn’t last too long and we decided to go to a nice little cafe rather than a full blown restaurant. I had first thought of having a pasta dish – probably the highest calorie pasta dish I could find, Spaghetti Carbonara. Not because it was calorific but because it is my favourite. I’m not that keen on tomato based sauces but a sucker for anything creamy. Anyway I was very good because instead I had a panini with salad and I enjoyed it no end
After lunch John decided to take me shopping for a few hours. This is quite an achievement because he normally hates shopping especially for clothes! He grimaced as I ran into New Look, Next, Dorothy Perkins and the rest of the girlie shops I could find. I figured he only came with me once or twice a year so I would make the most of it hehe. I managed to find a gorgeous red shirt which has a white belt with it from Next. I tried on a size 18 and a size 16. The 18 was slightly too big and I figured if I lost much more weight it wouldn’t last very long so I opted for the 16. This one, however is slightly gaping at the chest.
I also wanted to find a black belt to wear so my initial thought was to try Evans. I’ve never been able to find a belt to go around me from “thin” shops. In evans I picked up this fabulous black shiny belt, wrapped it around me and it went around nearly twice! I almost fainted! For once none of the belts were small enough to fit me! I tried Dorothy Perkins instead and found two gorgeous black belts that fit!
During my wander around the shops I also picked up two books – “The undomesticated goddess” and “Conversations with the fat girl” and tried on numerous dresses and tops, all of which looked hideous on me! We also had a very nice romantic dinner – Pork loin steak served on a bed of french provencale cous cous with carrots, fine green beans and sauted onions. Mmm.
Today I overslept until 11 – I was so annoyed with myself because it puts me out for the rest of the day. I dragged myself to the gym to do my weights routine and although I found it hard, I enjoyed every minute of it I must admit fellow sugar addicts… I have been naughty. A smartie cookie managed to find its way into my mouth. But all is not lost – They are only 5 points on weight watchers, so I’ve pointed it into my daily allowance. See what happens when you go shopping hungry teheh.
My 25th birthday!.
So today is the day. No more excuses, no more lying to myself. I can do this and I WILL do this. I joined the gym a few weeks ago after watching a program on channel 4 – “Turn back your body clock”. As usual, I logged straight onto amazon to order the accompanying book to see how exactly these people looked so different in such a short time. It wasn’t even fake results – we got to see these people in their underwear, bumps and all!
According to the book, they used a fitness instructor – Tim Bean. Now he looks like he could seriously whip you into shape but after viewing his corporate website and doing a bit of research, I discovered a twelve week program with him is near on four thousand pounds. Probably the best four thousand pounds some people could ever spend. I, however don’t have that spare!
The thing is, I know about healthy eating. I know to cut back on saturated fats, processed foods and to introduce more healthy options like fresh vegetables and fruits with protein. The exercise, however I was a little more unsure about. This book seems to tell me exactly what to do… For the first four or six weeks, three times a week partake in a 40 minute weights training / strength training session, followed by 20 minutes of cardio if possible. Two times a week, 40 minutes straight cardio increasing to 60 minutes.
I’m on week three of these regime and I am really noticing the difference in my shape. My love handles (back wings lol) are starting to get smaller, and the top of my stomach is getting firmer if that is possible with all this blubber around me. I was blessed with an apple shape and have really broad shoulders, lots of chubbiness around my middle but suprisingly good legs. After six weeks doing this routine, the book advises you to change it around so that three days out of five is cardio and the other two are strength training days.
Joining the gym was quite a big step for me. I’ve been members of other gyms but always with someone else. This time I would be doing it alone. No boyfriend, no friends. Just me. Before I decided to go for it, I went out and bought myself yet another book about strength training, some weights and an exercise ball. These now proudly sit in my collection of health/diet related items in my hall cupboard. I should probably call this blog the sugar AND shopping addict!
Today is going to be difficult. One good thing is that I’m not having a party – so no cake or buffet. In fact i’ll be spending the whole day with my boyfriend (I’ll call him John for this blog) but he did mention something about taking me out for dinner or lunch. Eating out is a complete nightmare with me. Not only am I quite fussy about what I eat, I worry so much that I will blow my eating plan that I’d prefer to stay at home. I sound like quite a party pooper – and I don’t want to be anymore. Weekends I get to stay away from the gym so I thought I would take myself to the local shopping centre to see what type of fashion is about at the moment. Summer for me is normally a complete headache – there were a few years where I refused to take off my black smart looking jacket at all times. I must have looked completely crazy!
Anyway, have a great day fellow bloggers and sugar addicts, I’ll be back soon x
The beginning… Continued.
So where was I… right Secondary school. I had a few boys take an interest in me in my final years at school. I had my first kiss! I even looked fantastic at the end of school prom. I decided after school I was going to go to college and study computers. I was already a geek in the making and had met a number of nice guys online. I also met some freaks! I was chatting to one guy who seemed really nice and interested in me so I asked my parents if I could meet him. He was a few years older but they agreed as long as my sister came along with me.
I arrived at the train station eager to meet my new man. Then he walked up to me on the platform. He was hideous but he loved me. Now I know that is really mean of me to say especially being in my boat but I wasn’t attracted to him one bit. I was living in a fantasy world, attracted to tall, dark handsome strangers. He was short, fat and I eventually found out had a very small penis that he didn’t know how to use!
I stayed with him for four years. I didn’t think anyone else would ever love me! I got comfortable and gained all of the weight I lost back on. Secretly, I think he hated people looking at me as I used to wear mini skirts and we used to eat lots of high fat foods which went straight to my hips. I was still with him during college, but started talking to a few guys there who were showing an interest in me. The fat me I must add. One guy was really sweet but again wasn’t my type. He was very tall, skinny but he was a little simple on the conversational issues. He invited me to a party (One that I found out I was already invited to by family and was taking my boyfriend!) so I made my excuses and didn’t go. My mum said Adam was talking to her all night about how nice I was. If I remember rightly, I kissed him too.
Now don’t get me wrong I am not a slut. I’ve slept with 2 people, including my current boyfriend and my first. Both long term relationships. Whilst I was at college I made friends with a “popular girl”. She was on my course and seemed pretty bitchy but friendly so we started hanging out. To be honest I think she stayed with me because I made her look good. There was a boy on the same course as me but a year above who I started chatting to. He was VERY popular and did a lot of event organising for the college. I really liked him and I was a bit suprised to find out that he liked me – it seemed too good to be true, and it was.
We spent a week kissing, hanging about the college and spending a lot of time together. He had this rule – no kissing with tongues. I found this so odd, but I went along with it. All of the girls from my old school couldn’t believe he was with me. I was also still with my first boyfriend too – I know naughty! But I never slept with this new guy. That weekend I plucked up the courage to dump my boyfriend of 3 years. He was really upset. Moreso than I imagined actually and he phoned my parents to try and sort things out. He got on the next train down but I told him it was over and I wasn’t interested anymore.
The next day I met the “new guy” in town for some shopping. As soon as I got there, he said he didn’t really like me and he only did it to split me and my boyfriend up. I was right, it was too good to be true! I was devestated, got on the next bus home and cried my eyes out all the way home. I then, foolishly, phoned my dumped boyfriend and begged him to have me back. I didn’t want to be alone and I had come to the conclusion that no one would ever want me.
We stayed together for nearly another year but things were never the same. The one day, I met a guy online who I was doing design work for. He was really friendly! My boyfriend got jealous and told me I’d end up with him. Six months later and I was. I had a new boyfriend.
I lost a lot of weight, yet again to try and impress him before I met him face to face. We chatted for hours online yet I only showed him a face shot. We met that July and he spent a week visiting my family and I with his parents. I have to say I hated sex before I met him. That soon changed!
Let’s fast-forward six years. I moved four hundred miles away from my family and friends to go to university. I am still with my new man and I am currently 13 stone 12 lbs which is actually the same weight that I was when I was twelve years old!
I have decided enough is enough. I know there is more to life than being thin, but when you have grown up like I have with everyone telling you it’s wrong it puts an imprint on your brain to be perfect. To be honest even if I was a size 8, I would find something else wrong with me. One of our friends says I need to learn to love myself the way I am now.
So I’m starting this diary. I want to share the highs, the lows and the sugar cravings with you all. I’m not giving up sugar entirely but I am determined to lose weight, tone up and be healthy. That’s probably the most important reason…
Well here goes!.
My name is Emma. I am a sugar addict. Well, ok my name isn’t really Emma, but for the purpose of the blog it’s going to be. This weekend seemed like a perfect weekend to start off my diary of a sugar addict as tomorrow I turn 25 and it will be ten years since I started on my journey through various diets and eating plans. All have failed.
Let me start from the beginning… When I was five years old, I was the skinniest, shortest girl in the classroom. How things went so disasterously wrong, I honestly don’t know. Did I eat a lot? Not really. But somehow I went from the smallest to the biggest kid in the classroom in the space of a few years. I was like any normal kid. I didn’t like vegetables. I loved sugar. Perhaps too much.
The years passed with my weight getting higher and higher. Bullying started pretty early in my childhood although I was never punched or kicked. It was always verbal. I guess if you ask the people now who used to pick on me if they were bullies they’d tell you they were messing about. But to me, the kid who used to cry herself to sleep at night, It was bullying.
My weight gain didn’t go unnoticed however. In primary school, I was taken out of a sex education class to see a dietician. Our new headmaster was overweight herself and saw me as a cause for concern. I saw that dietician once. She asked me what foods I liked, what foods I didn’t like then basically told me and my parents I was a lost cause. That hurt.
I ventured into secondary school a few years later trying to reinvent myself. There were so many new people to impress and for the first time in my life I was really showing an interest in boys. They, of course weren’t showing an interest in me.
It was when I was fifteen I decided to do something serious about my weight. I’d had enough of the taunting and looking different to everyone else. Ok I wasn’t the only fat kid in school but I certainly felt like it. I started eating breakfast, skipping lunch and instead filling up on a bottle of previously frozen water. For dinner I would eat whatever my family were eating which didn’t really include vegetables unless it was a Sunday! Don’t get me wrong my parents were not fat. They never forced me to eat what I did. I was fat because it passed through my mouth. No one elses.
After a few weeks, I lost a little bit of weight but starving myself during the day was taking its toll on me. I was ratty, tired and completely uninteresting in anything. So, I tried replacement meal milkshakes. I did this for a full year, doing an exercise video every day in my bedroom and taking more of an interest in physical education lessons. I was too embarrased to do sports with the other kids and regularly wrote myself sick notes to get out of it, but my teacher was understanding. She put me in a squash court by myself and a skipping rope for an hour each week.
I lost four stone over a year on milkshakes. I was finally getting into size 12 clothes which, for me was an achievement. I managed to stay the same weight until after I finished secondary school where things took a slight turn for the worse…