The beginning… Continued.

So where was I… right Secondary school. I had a few boys take an interest in me in my final years at school. I had my first kiss! I even looked fantastic at the end of school prom. I decided after school I was going to go to college and study computers. I was already a geek in the making and had met a number of nice guys online. I also met some freaks! I was chatting to one guy who seemed really nice and interested in me so I asked my parents if I could meet him. He was a few years older but they agreed as long as my sister came along with me.

I arrived at the train station eager to meet my new man. Then he walked up to me on the platform. He was hideous but he loved me. Now I know that is really mean of me to say especially being in my boat but I wasn’t attracted to him one bit. I was living in a fantasy world, attracted to tall, dark handsome strangers. He was short, fat and I eventually found out had a very small penis that he didn’t know how to use!

I stayed with him for four years. I didn’t think anyone else would ever love me! I got comfortable and gained all of the weight I lost back on. Secretly, I think he hated people looking at me as I used to wear mini skirts and we used to eat lots of high fat foods which went straight to my hips. I was still with him during college, but started talking to a few guys there who were showing an interest in me. The fat me I must add. One guy was really sweet but again wasn’t my type. He was very tall, skinny but he was a little simple on the conversational issues. He invited me to a party (One that I found out I was already invited to by family and was taking my boyfriend!) so I made my excuses and didn’t go. My mum said Adam was talking to her all night about how nice I was. If I remember rightly, I kissed him too.

Now don’t get me wrong I am not a slut. I’ve slept with 2 people, including my current boyfriend and my first. Both long term relationships. Whilst I was at college I made friends with a “popular girl”. She was on my course and seemed pretty bitchy but friendly so we started hanging out. To be honest I think she stayed with me because I made her look good. There was a boy on the same course as me but a year above who I started chatting to. He was VERY popular and did a lot of event organising for the college. I really liked him and I was a bit suprised to find out that he liked me – it seemed too good to be true, and it was.

We spent a week kissing, hanging about the college and spending a lot of time together. He had this rule – no kissing with tongues. I found this so odd, but I went along with it. All of the girls from my old school couldn’t believe he was with me. I was also still with my first boyfriend too – I know naughty! But I never slept with this new guy. That weekend I plucked up the courage to dump my boyfriend of 3 years. He was really upset. Moreso than I imagined actually and he phoned my parents to try and sort things out. He got on the next train down but I told him it was over and I wasn’t interested anymore.

The next day I met the “new guy” in town for some shopping. As soon as I got there, he said he didn’t really like me and he only did it to split me and my boyfriend up. I was right, it was too good to be true! I was devestated, got on the next bus home and cried my eyes out all the way home. I then, foolishly, phoned my dumped boyfriend and begged him to have me back. I didn’t want to be alone and I had come to the conclusion that no one would ever want me.

We stayed together for nearly another year but things were never the same. The one day, I met a guy online who I was doing design work for. He was really friendly! My boyfriend got jealous and told me I’d end up with him. Six months later and I was. I had a new boyfriend.

I lost a lot of weight, yet again to try and impress him before I met him face to face. We chatted for hours online yet I only showed him a face shot. We met that July and he spent a week visiting my family and I with his parents. I have to say I hated sex before I met him. That soon changed!

Let’s fast-forward six years. I moved four hundred miles away from my family and friends to go to university. I am still with my new man and I am currently 13 stone 12 lbs which is actually the same weight that I was when I was twelve years old!

I have decided enough is enough. I know there is more to life than being thin, but when you have grown up like I have with everyone telling you it’s wrong it puts an imprint on your brain to be perfect. To be honest even if I was a size 8, I would find something else wrong with me. One of our friends says I need to learn to love myself the way I am now.

So I’m starting this diary. I want to share the highs, the lows and the sugar cravings with you all. I’m not giving up sugar entirely but I am determined to lose weight, tone up and be healthy. That’s probably the most important reason…